I’m working with some awesome Moms and Dads preparing for the 2013-2014 school year; establishing food allergy 504 Plans. Thus far, the schools have been a mixed bag to work with, but I have every confidence that all will be well in the end. Everyone coming to the table prepared, rolling up their sleeves, getting that thinking cap on nice and straight and ready to dive into the pool of accommodations.

Classroom Tasty Treats

As I chat with my clients, there’s always a story or two that they need to get off their chest. You know, dealing with the Mom or Dad that has made a snide comment about children with food allergies. Haven’t we heard it all? Why don’t you home school? Why does my child have to suffer by not celebrating his/her birthday with cupcakes? Shouldn’t your kid just tough’in up and accept his/her condition? I know…we all shudder at these comments…but something happened at my school recently that got me thinking on this very subject. Let me explain…

While I was waiting for my son at school pick up, another Mom shared with me something that happened to her son at school. Her son went to use the restroom and found himself flat on his back. To his misfortune, he slipped and fell in toilet water, a toilet had overflowed.

Now…I don’t know about you, but my first thought was YUCK! Who would want to fall in toilet water? Then I started to think about what my son said about the restroom…he told me that he tries to hold it all day because there’s always a myriad of ‘problems’ in the restroom. After he giggled and shared all the horrific restroom stories with me, I thought…I’d hold it too, as unhealthy as it might be.

Since I’m hearing all these stories from food allergy parents. I started to think about nonallergic parents’ complaints about how inconvenient food allergies are to their son or daughter, especially when they have to ‘give up’ the beloved school, birthday or seasonal celebration with cakes, cookies and cupcakes. It got me thinking, are these the burning questions in parents’ minds?

I thought, how silly I would feel complaining about tasty treats when we have restrooms that obviously are in need of automatic flushers. Then I thought about how my son’s first grade class has nine iPads in the room, is that enough? Is our Science program in need of a facelift? Am I comfortable with, or is it age appropriate, that my seven-year-old is learning how to take a picture of himself and upload it in computer class? Are our curriculum projects challenging enough, do they need life infused into them or are they projects that ‘we’ve just always done?’

Create Compassionate, Accepting, Forgiving Children Who Believe Inclusiveness is Important!

Let’s liberate ourselves from who’s in the majority and who’s in the minority. Is the most important agenda item tasty treats? Let’s focus on what helps our children excel educationally and more than prepare for the next grade, i.e., the latest in technology, a challenging curriculum, age appropriate projects, the latest in school supplies and books, a comprehensive library and let’s not forget safe and sanitary restrooms with automatic flushers. And when it comes to birthdays and celebrations, isn’t it about the memory that we create rather than the treat we eat?

Diminish the ‘spotlight of difference’ on those that don’t seem ‘normal’ in our judgement, food allergic or other challenge, and teach our children by our own actions that compassion, acceptance, forgiveness and inclusiveness is paramount for EVERYONE.

“It’s not our job to toughen our children up to face a cruel and heartless world. It’s our job to raise children who will make the world a little less cruel and heartless.” ~ L.R. Knost

There is not an expectant mother alive who hasn’t had some anxiety about her baby’s health. Movies, books, television, the nosy woman in the hair salon tell birth horror stories that increase a pregnant woman’s anxiety.

An expectant mom over 35 is hit with a double dose of anxiety.  She worries about her baby’s health and worries about the role her age will play in her baby’s health.

Here are three guidelines to help you remain positive during your over 35+ pregnancy:

1.  Realize “their” medical history is not “your” medical history.
The first words out of your doctor’s mouth may not be congratulations but may be a list of statistics citing an increased risk of high blood pressure, diabetes, cesarean birth and chromosomal defects for older moms.

The findings in these studies are based on pregnant women over 35 as a group. Unless you were a part of one of these studies, the results do not reflect your individual history.

It’s important for an expectant mom over 35 and 40 to select an obstetrician or midwife

Cynthia Wilson James
InSeason Mom

who respects her right to have her pregnancy viewed individually.

2.  Limit your contact with negative influences.
One thing I love about babies and toddlers is that when they see or hear something they don’t like, they cover their ears or turn their heads away from the thing.  Expectant moms over 35 and 40 must learn to apply this concept, of course, not necessarily the actions.

Turn off television, radio or internet programs that ask how old is too old to have a baby. Yes, there may be people who voice their support for older first time moms, but the disapproving comments of the loud-mouthed Know-It-All will be the one you will remember and will tap into your insecurities.

Unfortunately, you may have to mentally “turn-off” well-meaning friends and family who disapprove of your decision to become pregnant. Believe me, when your hormones are raging due to pregnancy, it is best to remain peaceful rather than to become stressed out over unreasonable opinions.

3.  Realize the God of the Universe has given you a divine gift.
If your pregnancy includes the normal symptoms of being nauseous and vomiting to feeling fatigue, it may be hard to think of your pregnancy as a divine gift. Nevertheless, it is. The God of the Universe has chosen you to carry a new life. He has chosen you to introduce a precious life into this world; a life that may make a difference to only one person or to one million people.

If you want to remain emotionally upbeat during your 35+ pregnancy, please listen to my advice!

About Cynthia Wilson James
Cynthia Wilson James, a 40+ first-time mom, writer, and former childbirth educator, is founder of InSeason Mom (www.inseasonmom.org)  and http://inseasonmomreflections.blogspot.com, which provides support to first-time moms over 35 and 40. InSeason Mom has been recognized by CBS NY and MSNBC. Cynthia enjoys reading, watching suspense television shows and jumping rope.

Agatha Christie: And Then There Were None

“Will I be the only boy at the party?”

You’re learning about me, aren’t you? This was my first really adult-like book that I read and then saw the movie. Christie wrote this novel in the late 1930s and from the moment I read it, I grabbed every one of her books I could get my hands on. In fact, I had quite the collection.

My son was invited to a girl classmate’s birthday party. I spent a few emails conversing with her mother about the party she planned. Here’s the gist of my email:

My son has many food allergies (milk, eggs, peanuts, tree nuts, sesame) I always bring his own food, so I’m more concerned about food being served, food in any activities (many times allergens hide in craft items like paint, etc.) and if you have pets. He is also highly allergic to cats and dogs and has asthma.

We by all means to not want you to make any accommodations for him to attend, this information simply helps us decide if he is able to attend. It’s nice just to be asked; we truly appreciate the invitation. I should also add, that if he attends, we hope that you won’t mind my husband or me staying for the time of the party. We take full responsibility for his presence…we would never look for you to care for such a serious condition in our absence.

Please feel free to call or email a reply.

Her reply was so thoughtful, explaining all of the activities, food that is being served, that they have no pets and welcomed us to stay for the party. As an allergy Mom, it’s so wonderful when parents are thoughtful, respectful and helpful in providing information that aids you in making the best decision regarding your child’s participation.

I went to all of these efforts, to have my son ask me, “Mom, will I be the only boy there?”

It just goes to show you that while we’re out working our investigative genius to the hilt, sometimes we forget that our kiddos are just kiddos. A boy wanting to know if he would be the only boy there can’t get any more natural than that, can it?

Boy Wonder was his own investigative genius at school…he slyly found out that he won’t be the only boy and is very excited to attend a magic show, birthday party next weekend.

I shared my thoughts with you, please leave a comment. : )

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The last few months have been very difficult since my father’s passing just before Christmas. Those life experiences call you to think about how everyone needs a safety net in life, a true family. Patrick and Catherine have been that family to us. They are the net that makes us feel so secure, so unconditionally loved that we can share anything on our minds, a happiness, a hurt and travel life’s miles together shouldering the fun, the sun, the storms…every step of the way side-by-side.

The safety net made me think of the hammock that my boys and their Uncle Patrick swung in, under the moonlight, gazing up at the stars and listening to the sounds of the night.

My husband and I sat on a small dock a short distance away and could observe our boys chatting away with their Uncle Patrick about the day’s events, their simple happiness and peacefulness made our eyes well.

I hope our dear friends, our family, know how much they have been our net the last few months. How much we enjoy their spirit, how happy they make our boys, and most importantly, how much their happiness means to us.

Everyone needs a net. Who is your net?

Please share with me a comment or two about your net. : )

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Sometimes I feel like my life is a Seinfeld episode, you know, the show all about nothing. I seriously find myself in awkward and stressful situations that are straight from the Seinfeld files:

I once had to speak to an employee about NOT having sex at work. George Costanza had sex with a cleaning woman. Remember his response, “Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? I tell you, I gotta plead ignorance on this thing, because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing is frowned upon… you know, cause I’ve worked in a lot of offices, and I tell you, people do that all the time.”

While a relative was visiting, who was famous for racial slurs, I worried that a derogatory comment would be yelped when a friend of mine (who happened to be of color) came to visit me. Remember Kramer and the wooden cigar store Indian (a stereotypically demeaning portrayal of the Native American).

Last, but certainly not least…my husband and I watched a friend of ours double-dip a chip at one of our newly married, annual Christmas parties. We were thinking what Timmy said to George that day, “Did you just double-dip that chip?”

While we may feel like a Hoover Wind Tunnel is sucking the very life out of us, having a friend that can push you to your comedic limit is the best cure! Many a nights I crawl in bed and thank God that I have several friends that can access that type of crazy to keep each other laughing even during the toughest of times.

XO to my friends Michelle, Catherine and Quita!

I shared my thoughts with you, please leave a comment. : )

Prior to delving into my story, I must tell you how a sign reads on the entrance door to the pool deck. In case you don’t know, the deck refers to the area surrounding the pool. The sign says: Per Minnesota state law, no food or glass on deck.

There is one other boy in my son’s class, and for the last two sessions his mother has sat next to me with her younger son, he’s probably 2 years old. Last week he was eating what looked like Kix cereal, and of course, spilled them all over the deck floor.

This week, he was eating a peanut butter sandwich. As you can imagine, my irritation grew beyond belief. Then…“it” happened. The boy walked over to a 5’ x 8’, square foam island and began to smear his peanut butter sandwich all over it. My jaw dropped, not because a 2-year-old was doing it, but because the mother did nothing.

I finally said, “I’m not sure if you are aware, but there is a sign on the deck door that states no food or glass on deck, per Minnesota state law.” Her response to me was, “Yeah, well my son just got done with a 30-minute swim class so he is really hungry.” I replied with, “While I’m sure he is, it would probably be best if he ate in the lobby where food is permitted. Also, my son is allergic to peanut.”

Truly, I didn’t fib, my son is allergic to peanut; he just wasn’t the son that was in the swimming pool. After our exchange, the Mom and son proceeded to the lobby and spent the rest of the time there. She never cleaned up the sandwich left on the deck or the peanut butter smear. That wasn’t her responsibility, I guess.

Once we were ready to leave, I stopped by the front desk. When I shared what happened with the gal, she was horrified: wanted to know what foam island had the peanut butter on it, if I was aware of any remnants of sandwich on deck, etc. She asked me what type of cleaner to use to remove the peanut butter, she left momentarily and came back with Lysol wipes, paper towels and a spray bottle of multipurpose 409. She thanked me profusely and apologized for the experience. I couldn’t have been more pleased.

Back to the Mom and me. Our exchange was respectful, let’s face it, it was uncomfortable for both of us. While I sat there distracted from the experience, I couldn’t get over the basic message of her response: yeah…well my son is hungry.

Don’t rules matter: no eating on the pool deck, no texting while driving, no-show for a doctor appointment, not having your dog on a leash or picking up its waste? Have we as a society decided that rules don’t apply to us as long as we have deemed our reason or excuse to be a good one?

Let’s keep the conversation going, please leave a comment.

Until now…

I can’t just sit by and be a victim, and I certainly don’t want that for my son either. I started to think about proactive behaviors that can assist you with your school, help to reduce the incidents and provide practical steps for your little guy or gal when it does happen.

Here are my Top 8 suggestions for food allergy bullying:

One – Make Bullying Part of Your 504 or Individual Healthcare Plan (IHP)
In partnership with your school; determine how bullying and teasing incidents will be handled. Find out your district or school’s bullying policy. While it may be tempting to make it about food allergies, I encourage you to concentrate on the fact that this is a behavior and discipline issue. Don’t have this factored into your 504 or IHP? Remember that you can call a meeting at any time to review.

Explain that you want to be notified of any food allergy teasing/bullying. Find out the process:

-  How will the behavior be addressed?
-  Will each incident be documented?
-  Will the teaser/bully’s parents be contacted?
-  How will multiple offenses be handled?
-  How will the school communicate a school zero tolerance policy
for this type of behavior?

Two – When a Bullying or Teasing Incident Occurs
Get all the details from your child and the school and encourage the agreed upon protocol in your 504 or IHP be followed. Also, be open and flexible to new suggestions that weren’t outlined previously. Sometimes the best solutions come out of thin air.

Once the issue is resolved, speak with your child about how tomorrow is a new day; the slate is wiped clean, for both the bully and your child. Our kiddos are still learning how to interact and forgive one another. Forgiveness as well as not holding a grudge, are a part of life’s learning process, having a clear understanding of this will help set your child up for lifelong success.

Three – Provide Food Allergy Presentations to Your Child’s Classroom
Many have found that giving food allergy presentations to classmates was useful in cultivating incredibly supportive peers. You can give the presentation yourself, or hire a consultant like me if you are not comfortable. The Anaphylaxis and Food Allergy Association of Minnesota has written lesson plans, children’s books and plastic food for parents to check out/borrow. Items to consider in your talk would be to:

-  Read an age appropriate story about your child’s allergies, i.e., milk, eggs, tree nuts, etc.
-  Show the group a toy ambulance, explaining at their level how a student could get sick
-  Show auto-injectors and explain they are not to be played with etc.
-  Do an interactive activity with plastic food (the activity can change according to grade)

Four – Talk to Your Child Daily
I know, that sounds fundamental or you might even say to me, der-duh! ; ) However, many

parents tend to be at either end of the spectrum, they either ask too often and nervously — which can create anxiety for both the parent and the child or they don’t ask at all. I make it a part of our daily school download. Everyday I pick up my son from school we talk about his day. He brings to the table the regulars, i.e., what he learned, who had their card changed for the day, what they did in the special subject assigned to that day, i.e., art, computer, gym, library etc. and then we always talk about lunch and recess. I also make sure to ask the question, “Did anyone bother you today?” AND “Did you bother anyone today?” I like to strike a balance.

Five – Stay Connected to Your Child’s Teacher
I know, another no brainer, but I truly mean forge a relationship with your child’s teacher. Not only speak about your child’s social and academics with his/her teacher, but also actually get to know your child’s teacher. Since he/she is on the frontline, that relationship is invaluable and an awesome asset for both parties, besides, who doesn’t need a new acquaintance or friend?

Six – Get to Know Your Child’s Classmates & Classmate’s Parents
Attend open houses, volunteer in the classroom and at school-wide activities, field trips and participate in Mom coffees, etc. Knowing the cast of characters and them knowing you will create connections, so if something happens, you can work through the situation(s) collaboratively. I know this can be difficult if you work outside the home, or still have a little one at home like I do, but do your very best as it will only be of benefit to you and your child.

Seven – Teach Your Child How to Be a Good Friend
Our kiddos learn everything from us; therefore, set an example and foster positive relationships. Friendship is about learning how to speak respectfully and be considerate with one another (even in a disagreement or confrontation), how to share stories, be funny, apologize and accept apologies, ask for help or favors and be a good winner and a good loser. We teach our kiddos how to be people that others want to be around; so set clear rules with clear consequences. Don’t forget positive reinforcement for good behavior, sometimes I think this works better than anything else. Lastly, it’s a parent’s responsibility to acknowledge that we teach our children our bias and prejudices; it is our job to set our children up for success by rooting acceptance and tolerance of and for others.

Eight – Encourage Your Child to Have Many Friends
When dealing with food allergies, having a strong circle of friends that care and rally around you with support is essential. I consistently share with my son what it means to be a good friend. I encourage him to have many acquaintances and friends — the more people who know him, the more people will like him and understand his food allergies are only a small part of him, not the entire package. By being involved with many, it also creates more food allergy awareness; so get your cruise director hat on and orchestrate some play dates, get signed up for clubs, organizations, teams, etc. that provide the opportunity to make friends and expand you and your child’s social circle.

Friendship & Community
Always remember that friendship is best extended in sincerity, not under duress. Take the necessary steps to genuinely get to know others and they will most likely do the same. While this may be difficult if you’re a person that likes to keep to yourself, know that developing these skills will also teach your child how to be more extroverted as well. If your child prefers to hang with one or two close friends, respect that, while lovingly encouraging social situations that stretch yet support their comfort, all while boosting confidence.

Lastly, a strong collaboration with child, school, friends and their parents will always keep you striving for the type of compassionate community you want to live in! : )

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One might ask, how can you feel alone when you have a great husband and two beautiful sons as your family? Let there be no confusion, I love my family and my life; but there’s a cord that is struck when a parent dies, you can’t help but feel ~ alone.

My Dad was the last connection…to my beginning.
He’s half of the duet that made me, cradled me, taught me to walk and talk, instilled my morals and values, and always told me how proud he was, sometimes directly, but mostly in subtleties.

My father was in God’s waiting room for three and a half years. He never had the chance to bounce back from postoperative cancer complications and later his cancer returned. It was difficult to watch him struggle, for a Dad is always the strong one, physically and mentally. He never complained. He was the consummate problem solver and negotiator for work challenges, having been in management and worked with unions for many years. He was the handyman whom I lovingly nicknamed Earl. At every visit to my sister’s or my home he would survey the land and see what projects needed tended, roll up his sleeves and dive right in.

Proud isn’t a good enough word.
I’m proud of my father. He was one of five children born to Italian immigrants. His parents never learned to read or write English, but wanted to be a part of the land of opportunity and gave as much as they could to their children. My father worked literally from the ground up as a jogger in a pressroom, to a pressman and then into management. My Mom and he wanted more for us and so we became the first generation to be college educated. I wear that medal proudly, never take it for granted and never forget where I came from and the sacrifices that were made to help make that happen.

I’ve often joked that no one loves you like your mother; no one wants to truly know all the crazy you’re buying and selling or is interested in the everyday mundane details of your life. She is your biggest cheerleader when you attempt something new or when you’re in the dumpster thinking you can’t accomplish something. Now I say, no one loves you like a parent.

My Dad did a fine job of being a Dad; especially, once my mother passed, he did his best filling both roles – as best as a man can. He was there for his four grandchildren’s births, played, read and giggled with them. He continued the tradition of his father and bought savings bonds for his grandchildren’s milestones and birthdays. Unfortunately, my sons have no memory of him when he was healthy. Gratefully, my boys can watch videos where he taught my eldest to walk with his push truck and drink from a big boy cup for the glimpse of the man he was; but their memories are clouded with a wheelchair, oxygen and Grandpa sleeping a lot.

I never envisioned being without.
Life is never how we plan it. Honestly, I never saw my children without my parents; but they are. It’s sad for me whenever there is an event in their lives, whether that is grandparents’ day at school, a call to tell they advanced to the next level in swimming, scored a goal in soccer, or to share their report card. We’ve made adjustments in our lives and find others who want to participate in that way. We are very blessed to have a great circle of friends and a few extended family members that have so willingly stepped in and filled that void. Moreover, there are others who influence our sons’ lives that are unaware of the impact they have, just by taking a genuine interest, making them feel safe and cared for.

It has to be difficult to be in God’s waiting room, especially when your body fails you and restricts you from living life to the fullest. Every night when you shut your eyes, you wonder, will I wake? What a challenge it must have been to see no cooperation from your body or progress in your health, but have to wait…patiently…to be called.

What happens now?
When I think of him in the afterlife, I can only envision one of those sappy movie scenes where my parents are running toward one another in a beautiful field; so happy to see one another after all these years. Later, after finishing a round of golf, he’ll have a bourbon on the rocks, read the paper and listen to a little Louie Prima, while my Mom makes dinner. I hope that’s how it plays out for them, together, reminiscing of old times and eating popcorn while watching their children and grandchildren’s lives play out.

With my parents gone, I have become “the generation.” There is no one before me. I pray for the grace to fill such big shoes and pass on the wisdom that was passed onto me. I will surrender to the sadness of my father’s death and fully embrace his ending to allow for a new beginning to unfold, but that time is not now. Once the clouds lift, once I’ve taken the time to revere what once was, what will be will be well worth the wait.

“When someone is in your heart, they’re never truly gone.
They can come back to you, even at unlikely times.”
~ Mitch Albom

There was something magical about not having to speak for an entire hour. I know that may sound weird, but my life consists of a lot of talking. I’m talk’in to my husband. I’m talk’in to my sons: they LOVE to talk…from the moment their little feet hit the floor to the last flutter of their eyelashes into dreamland. Then of course, I’m talk’in in my work.

The act of being still, present, open and listening to someone speak about their life, their experiences, their learning moments brought quiet reflection about my life: my loves, my storms, and even the storms that are always with me, quietly rumbling. It made me realize that all of our lives, each unique like snowflakes, have many of the same crossroads.

This holiday season, spend some time listening; take the time to see commonalities with one another. It’s how compassion is created. It calls us to be outside of ourselves and to consider what we don’t always understand in others. It’s what opens our heart and creates authentic friendship and community.

After the ultrasound, I could barely get dressed. It was like my legs had nothing in them; Noodles one might say. In his own fog, my husband helped me to dress, gather information from the nurse on our next steps, a D & C, and she ushered us out the back door so we wouldn’t have to see all the glowing pregnant women in the waiting room. I remember thinking I was one of those women, pregnant and full of so much joy.

My heart never felt the same. Miscarriage is not just the loss of your little one. It’s the death of a dream; the promise of a baby, the memories that you formed in your head about the family you wanted to create.

For those of you who miscarry at or around the holidays, keep something in mind.

There isn’t a year that passes that I don’t think about my two babies that I miscarried, my girl the day before Thanksgiving in 2003 and my boy on Christmas Day 2007 in the emergency room. Those memories are vivid, like no time has passed. The darkness stayed with me for quite some time…but eventually the light streamed back, promising more happiness, but most of all, more life.

My mother, who passed away in 1998, use to always tell me, “You have to have the dark to appreciate the light.” I use to sing song that saying in a sarcastic way when she would tell me that, as I thought she was crazy for simplifying it that much. Honestly, it is so true.

Take the time to grieve, to sulk, to ache, then slowly crack the door open and let the light warm your heart and soul again…happiness is around the corner…look around you…life is happening.

xo Kristin

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