Some of us know all too well what a Big Fat Negative is…others are wondering what I’m talking about. A BFN is a negative pregnancy test, which cannot be confused with a BFP, a Big Fat Positive test.

Many times when working with clients I like to come up with a “Top 10” list for their challenge. Recently, an infertility client said to me, “Please develop a Top 10 list for recovering from BFNs…I’m crippled each month it happens.”

There’s no doubt about it, struggling with infertility is a rollercoaster ride. The beginning of a cycle is so focused on doctor appointments, medications, blood draws and ultrasounds. Then your IUI or egg retrieval and embryo transfer happens and you have to wait two weeks for “The Answer.” Even if you are trying naturally, all the monitoring gets old very quick.

What I remember about BFNs is that some months I was able to take it in stride and plan for the next cycle. While other months left me anxious and weepy into the next cycle. Not a good thing when wanting to be open and radiate positivity in support of your mind and body to do its best work.

So what can you do to honor your disappointment and sadness, yet pave the way for positivity in the next month? Reference this list, or develop your own, to keep yourself focused and on target:

1. Grieve…but with a Time Limit – It’s awful. Your hopes were dashed yet another month. Take the time to experience your feelings; however, limit the amount of time. I can remember giving myself one hour for a full-fledged emotional breakdown. Set a timer for 60-minutes, cry, rip a magazine to shreds, and verbally or in writing vent your frustration. When the timer buzzes, exhale a cleansing sigh, clean up the mess, freshen up and go on with your day.
2. Talk about your feelings with someone you trust – This conversation is certainly not for the nosey neighbor that keeps asking you, “When are the two of you going to start a family?” No this conversation needs to happen with someone who is in your “Circle of Trust” to quote Robert De Niro from Meet the Parents. Find that person in your life that’s very good at listening, not your partner or spouse, who can support you in releasing all the pent-up sadness and anger.
3. Decide if a Break is in Order, Even if it’s Just for a Month – Many times in life, creating some space helps you to look at a situation with clear eyes. While it may seem like you’re losing out on a month of trying…you actually might be gaining the focus necessary to continue and rejuvenate your mind, body and spirit.
4. Create an Evaluation Timeline – My husband and I created an “evaluation date” for our infertility treatments. After our second miscarriage, we decided to give ourselves six months. If we weren’t pregnant at the end of six months, then we would reevaluate what to do, i.e., Continue with infertility treatments? Look into adoption? Take a break? Decide to stay a family of two? Giving a span of time where no decision has to be made is freeing. We didn’t have to talk about what we were “going to do”…because that conversation wasn’t going to happen until the evaluation day arrived.
5. Plan for the Next Month – I know that sounds pretty simple, but planning for the future took the focus off the present. Allowing yourself to be hopeful is sometimes the best medicine.
6. Acupuncture – Make two wishes upon one star. Acupuncture is a great way to increase fertility and manage your stress. You will feel more centered and able to handle the stress that comes your way, fertility related or not. So what are you waiting for…go get poked!
7. Consider a Short Trip Together – This is something that my husband and I never did, but in hindsight would have been a great idea. Especially consider this option if you decide to take some time off of treatments. Soak in the solitude together not thinking of your next step…simply be present with one another. Can’t afford a trip; then plan a great staycation where computers, cell phones and the television are a no.
8. Girlfriend Night – There’s something magical about being with a BFF. Take the time to relax, be yourself and reminisce about fun past times while making some new ones.
9. Delve Into a New Interest, or Resurrect an Old One – Photography has always been a love of mine, especially night photography. I can remember setting up my tripod in downtown Minneapolis and shooting over the Hennepin pedestrian bridge. Seeing those red, car light trails…nothing like it. Husband had my photographs matted and framed a few years ago. Create a fond memory and a healthy distraction.
10. Challenge Yourself – I could make this easy and give you a tenth idea. Instead, I challenge you to supply #10. What can you think of to focus your emotional, mental and spiritual energy after a BFN? Help others by posting your #10 on this blog entry as a comment.

If your next month includes a Big Fat Negative, run through the above Top 10 and fill your time being Breezy, Fearless, and Nurturing.

All eyes are on General Mills this week with the launch of their newest offspring, Peanut Butter Cheerios®. To refresh my memory of the various flavors, I took a gander at the Cheerios® website. While perusing the products section, I recalled the memorable Bubba Blue’s line from the Forrest Gump movie, “Dey’s uh, shrimp-kabobs, shrimp creole, shrimp gumbo. Pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried. There’s pineapple shrimp, lemon shrimp, coconut shrimp, pepper shrimp, shrimp soup, shrimp stew, shrimp salad, shrimp and potatoes, shrimp burger, shrimp sandwich. That- that’s about it.”

Well, Cheerios’ currently has 13 different varieties. Dey’s uh, Cheerios® Regular, Cheerios® Honey Nut, Cheerios® Multi Grain. Cheerios® Apple Cinnamon, Cheerios® Banana Nut, Cheerios® Chocolate, Cheerios® Cinnamon Burst, Cheerios® Frosted, Cheerios® Fruity, Cheerios® Oat Cluster Crunch, Cheerios® Yogurt Burst, Cheerios® Dulce de Leche, Cheerios® Peanut Butter. That- that’s about it.

What’s all the hubbub about bub? Four items concern people:

1. Similar packaging between the Multi Grain (MG) and Peanut Butter (PB)
2. Lack of distinction between the actual MG and PB Cheerios® O
3. Anxiety about a child innocently sharing PB Cheerios® with an allergic child
4. Concern about possible manufacturing cross contamination

The uneasiness that surrounds the PB Cheerios® are the same kinds of concerns that you would have with any food product. The packaging of many products are similar, to name a couple, Bimbo Bakeries makes both Brownberry® and Arnold® breads. Their website are exactly the same design, the brand logos are not only similar in style but in color (red) while Brownberry® has milk as an ingredient and Arnold’s does not. Pop-Tarts® have similar packaging, a variety of flavors and varying allergen ingredients which requires diligent ingredient review.

As parents of food allergic children, we teach to not accept food unless we have approved of the item. The rule remains the same regardless of the lack of distinction between the Cheerios® O or whether it is shared. In addition, my watchfulness of my allergic child while around other children consuming food remains just as vigilant.

Lastly, it is recommended that parents review ingredient labels at each time of purchase, since ingredient labels and manufacturing practices are changed without notice.

Sure it’s frustrating to have to watch and be mindful of another product; however, the introduction of Peanut Butter Cheerios® doesn’t change how I address my allergic child or the purchase of a Cheerios® product. Before the introduction of the flavor Peanut Butter, my son wasn’t able to have the Honey Nut, Banana Nut, Oat Cluster Crunch or Yogurt Burst…now we add Peanut Butter to that list.

As Forrest’s momma always said, “Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.” That’s why we have to stick to our rules, be diligent and stay vigilant.

After a holiday, gingerbread project in my son’s kindergarten class, my husband and I decided we want to switch from an Individual Healthcare Plan (IHP or IHCP) to a 504 Plan for our multiple food allergic son. My one-on-one meeting with the school’s 504 coordinator was scheduled for this past Thursday. Coincidentally, my meeting was in the very same week that Ammaria Johnson, a 7-year-old girl from Chesterfield County, Virginia, died from an allergic reaction to peanuts. Needless to say, it was a very stressful and emotional week.

Quite simply, my heart aches for Ammaria’s mother, family, the innocent student that gave her the peanut, the school representatives involved, etc. Ammaria’s death means something…it should cause us all to reflect…it should tell us that no one is immune, me, you, the school, even the parents of non-allergic children, etc. We all fail in some way at keeping our allergic children safe.

Before moving forward, I should step back and explain my son’s gingerbread project. Every year, the kindergarten class makes a gingerbread house before holiday break. As you can imagine, it consists of a vast array of allergy-ridden products i.e., a small ‘washed’ milk carton is used as the frame for the house, graham crackers are hot glued to the carton, a homemade, egg white frosting plus all the decorations of candy, chocolate chips, pretzels, etc. top the “fun” activity ~ “because this is what we have done every year.”

“Because this is what we have done every year.”

This saying haunts me because it speaks to the root of the food allergy problem: Change is Hard.

Change is hard whether it relates to sweets to celebrate birthdays, sweets to reward when the school fundraising goal is met, sweets for post bingo fun at Halloween, sweets for the classroom fall festival and sweets for the annual gingerbread house project, which wasn’t to eat, but this time we used food as part of the class curriculum.

For those of you who have heard me speak or read my articles or blogs you know I say, “We live in a society that socializes, celebrates and rewards with food.” Now with the gingerbread project I can say, “socializes, celebrates, rewards and crafts with food.”

Thankfully, being the detail-oriented person that I am, my husband and I were able to present our son’s teacher with the school district’s Allergy/Anaphylaxis Management Guidelines which clearly states under teacher responsibilities: “Reviews lesson plans to assure that there is no use of allergens in projects or rewards.”

Once the Guideline document was sent to his teacher, then efforts to make the project more safe began: research on safe candies, chocolate chips, pretzels and non-food items (pompoms, sequins, paperclips, etc.) were used for decorations and I, who pride myself on being someone to partner with and not avoid, made 15-cups of safe frosting for the morning and afternoon kindergarten classes.

Now we’re back to what I eluded to earlier, how we fail to keep allergic children safe, which brings me to a question I would like to pose: What kind of community do you want to live in?

Do we want to live in a community where anyone with a special need is considered a burden? What if it was your burden?

In To Kill a Mockingbird, Nelle Harper Lee wrote, “You never really know a man until you understand things from his point of view, until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.”

I hear so often, “Why should the entire class or school need to make all of these changes, for only a couple of allergic kids?” Why? Because my friends, it’s the right thing to do. It’s that basic. These innocent children are allergic to the very thing that sustains our bodies – food. No child with a special need asked for it. Where is our empathy?

Let me share with you my fears about my son’s food allergies…they’re a shadow. They follow me wherever I go: when I drop him off at school, when we are at a holiday food gathering, when we attend a birthday party, when we have to walk through a doughnut social to exit church, when there are snacks after a soccer game and when a little girl or boy innocently eats a snack in front of my son at the park, etc.

My shadow is always with me.

My days ebb and flow where I am strong one day and weak the next. When a simple change in our routine puts my mind in overdrive thinking about how to keep him safe, happy, well adjusted and loved for the smart, funny and loving boy that he is. Not just known as the ‘food allergic boy.’

The kind of community I want to foster is where there is undeniable empathy for others, where people don’t feel attending to other’s needs, life threatening or not, are unreasonable. I believe we are placed on this earth to learn from one another, to make the effort to understand one another…it’s our responsibility to take care of one another.

Sadly, Ammaria’s mother now has a different shadow that will follow her.

I’ll say it again…

What kind of community do you want to live in?

Rudi’s Gluten-Free Bakery was kind enough to request another blog entry from me.

Click on Rudi’s link below to view the entry:

Rudi’s Gluten-Free Bakery

Happy New Year Everyone!

Visit Rudi’s Gluten-Free Bakery to read Kristin Beltaos’ guest blog entry on how to have a more fulfilling holiday season. If you like National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation movie, you will surely enjoy the read.

The Gift That Keeps on Giving

I hope everyone is well!

~Kristin

I am honored to be the 2011 November/December InSeason Mom!

If you would like to read my interview, you may view it here: InSeason Mom.

Take care,
Kristin

Where
National Telephone Workshop

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FACEBOOK GIVEAWAYS!!
A Gift of Miles
Smart Allergy Friendly Education

Feel Optimistic, Prepared & Confident
Connect with the dynamic Moms who creatively manage child food allergies for a 1-1⁄2 hour telephone workshop! Take advantage of our combined experiences; Kristin’s coaching skills and Daniella’s treasure chest of resources. From our home to yours…sit back, relax and in no time, you’ll approach all of your holidays and celebrations with newfound confidence and joy!

Party Supplies

• Evaluate your family’s everyday rituals & holiday traditions
• Blend your old customs to your new circumstances
• Organize your food festivity checklist or yourself, family, friends & to plan for the unexpected
• Refocus gatherings on laughter & fun
• Discover unique alternatives to food celebrations

Roundtable Discussion
CHALLENGE US!
Send us your favorite recipes & traditions; we’ll work together to:

• ADAPT recipes to your diet AND
• EVOLVE traditions, strengthen bonds

Instructors
Kristin Beltaos, M.A.
Life Coach/Owner
A Gift of Miles
612.845.7585
kristin@agiftofmiles.com
www.agiftofmiles.com

Daniella Knell, B.A.
Allergy Awareness Educator & Consultant Owner
Smart Allergy ~ Friendly Education
foodallergymom@gmail.com
www.smartallergy.blogspot.com

20% Benefits the Anaphylaxis and Food Allergy Association of Minnesota

I hope you enjoy listening.

Finding Your Way with Food Allergies

For those unfamiliar with Dr. Li, she has developed the Food Allergy Herbal Formula-2 (FAHF-2), which is derived from a Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) formula for the treatment of food allergies.

Initially, a clinical trial was done on mice where FAHF-2 showed it could block allergic reactions to food lasting as much as six months.

Phase I of the human trial showed FAHF-2 was safe and well tolerated in people with multiple food allergies.  This Phase II trial will determine the effectiveness of FAHF-2 when used as a treatment for food allergy.

As Dr. Li stated, “While this research brings with it so much promise, continued research is important to make some of these herbal remedies progress from dietary supplement to prescription drugs.”

Thank you so much Dr. Li for your dedication to the lives of the food allergic.

For more information on this study as well as Dr. Li, Click Here.

Other great presentations were given by:
Allan Stillerman MD, “The Importance of Well-Done Scientific Clinical Research: It Affects You!”
Katja Rowell MD, “Food Allergies & the Feeding Relationship: Reassurance on “Failure to Thrive”
Kristin Beltaos, MA, “Tame the Chipmunk on the Double Espresso”
Andrea Dorn, “Navigating the Gluten Free World”
Anna Kerr, “Easy Exercises to Reduce Everyday Stress”

Special thank you to Nona Narvaez and Jeff Schaefer, the founders of AFAA. Their tireless work is so appreciated!

I started to mentally reminisce about my life…all the miles I have walked. How those miles have made me into the person that I am today, living the dream of being surrounded by two beautiful boys, a wonderful family, dear friends and a passion for what I do. Then I thought about my Kindergarten son and all the miles he has already walked in his very short life, right along side me.

Things happened so fast…school doesn’t give you much time to grieve as you bring him in, you are encouraged to leave just as quick.

While driving away from school, I thought about the wonderful memories I have of my big, little boy who is now in Kindergarten. I wondered if I paid attention to all the moments and kept myself present.

As I reminisced, I realized I was truly present…I remembered how we use to walk to the neighborhood park where I would put him in a swing and we would practice saying words together. I remember teaching and constantly reviewing with him all the names of the Thomas & Friends trains off of a package insert, he so loves trains. I remember lying on my bed with him on late winter afternoons reading stories and making shadow puppets with a flashlight. And, how could I ever forget the endless naps together, oh how I miss those days.

Lastly, I remembered the little boy who has taught me so much about myself. That’s what so many people in our lives do, especially children, they teach us.  They teach us to slow down, not take things so seriously and enjoy the simpler side of life.

To my first baby: My little pal, we spent three years and three months together before we joyously celebrated your little brother’s arrival. Never forget that little song I use to sing to you before bed…because no matter how old you get, you will always be…baby of mine.

Baby Mine
Bette Midler

Baby mine, don’t you cry.
Baby mine, dry your eyes.
Rest your head close to my heart,
never to part, baby of mine.

Little one, when you play,
pay no heed what they say.
Let your eyes sparkle and shine,
never a tear, baby of mine.

If they knew all about you,
they’d end up loving you, too.
All those same people who scold you,
what they’d give just for the right to hold you.

From your hair down to your toes,
you’re not much, goodness knows.
But, you’re so precious to me,
sweet as can be, baby of mine.